Saturday, November 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
my hometown hurricane heartbreak
My childhood neighborhood is ravaged. As typical bulldog new yorkers, most of my family and friends refused to evacuate despite living steps from the ocean. Growing up in long beach during the 70's and 80's, I saw quite a few hurricanes. This one, sadly, is like no other. The ocean and bay met and just covered the town. Five feet of waves rolling down the main streets. Despite a zillion efforts, my mother would NOT leave the house to stay with me in brooklyn, where I live on super high ground. They got through the storm but now another mandatory evacuation is in effect because of contaminated water, no power, etc. Days of checking in with everyone, keeping track of who is going where, hearing from more and more friends that have lost everything, and being trapped without subway access... well, I am just so exhausted. Maybe this doesn't seem like it has anything at all to do with recovery, but it does. I am present for this and feeling everyone's pain which is just so exhausting (in case you haven't felt another's pain in a while, check out videos/pics of the breezy point fires which destroyed 80 homes. So awful). So, I haven't gotten to any meetings and have just started to realize I'm not handling this well and needed to share with a group of like-minded, like-spirited people. Love to all...
Friday, October 26, 2012
Craving simplicity
So the job interview went well... and I walk out of it totally freaked out and wanting nothing more than to work in a coffee shop. Although, I'm pretty sure making a venti decaf skinny macchiato would stress me out as much as "attaining the outcome-driven results in alignment with both state targets and private sector/donar goals to vastly increase the college going rate of low SES students from low performing schools." So meaningful.... but so terrifying for someone who can barely make it to work five days a week without being derailed by major mood fluctuations. Ugh what to do?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Another sober first (in other words ~ omg i am scared!!!)
As much as I love being a sober alcholic ~ yes, so reflective of every single flippin thing I do, so mindful of every fluctuation of my crazy-ass moods ~ sometimes I fantasize about what it must be like to be, oh, a normal person.
You know, one of those people who seem to just float through life without giving things much thought. New job? Okay, sounds great. New home? Sure, just box things up and pop right in. That's just incredible to me.... but yeah, so not my life. I am constantly amazed at how much mental energy I have to expend just to get through even the simplest of days.
To the outside world, I look pretty high fuctioning. Seemingly decent job in a huge university system, two graduate degrees, bread-winner for my family, super-lovely little home, uber-fabulous son, lots of stamps in my passport, dedicated runner of many races (even nabbing some medals in my age group these days ~ whoo hoo!). But on many, many days, I am absolutely paralyzed with uncertainty about things like what earrings to wear, when to open the mail, how to answer the phone, what to really do with my life. Seriously, when my moods are off (hey, bi-polar disorder ~ do you really have to be such good friends with alcholism? ugh.), the wrong earrings, a misplaced magazine, an overpacked pocketbook, a missed subway, or any other random thing can derail me into a completely nonfunctional state. For days.
Okay, so why write about this now? Because as much as I've complained endlessly about my current job, it has given me the enormous flexibility I needed to get sober. I have had to force myself on so many occasions to express any kind of appreciation for the fact that it has enabled me to support my family during a crazy economic time, but I never really felt the gratitude because it's really such a toxic workplace. It truly is. But what has it given me? Pretty much everything someone in recovery needs. I can go in late, I can leave early, I can work from home, I can take "wellness" days when I need them, I can take a lunch hour every day to attend the AA meetings that are fully responsible for getting me sober. Reader, this job has been my rehab. And it looks like it may be time to transition into the normal working world.
Tomorrow morning, I have a second interview for my dream job. Let me amend that ~ it's the dream job for the very sober, non bi-polar version of myself. The "well" lulu can do this job. She is made for this job. She is destined for this job. But the lulu who is barely four years sober... the lulu who is making valient yet exhausing efforts to manage a serious mood disorder without medication... the lulu who is still just beginning to deal with all the damage of being raised in a wildly alcholic and mentally ill family... oh, that lulu isn't sure she can do this. Be responsible, be accountable, be proactive, be a grown up? Not sure at all.
Somehow, I built a decent career while destroying myself with raging alcholism. Isn't is odd that it's only now that I'm sober that I can't imagine how to keep it together? Perhaps before this, I just didn't let myself feel the stress. I was either too looped or too hungover to care about the risk of failure and the pressure of success.
All I know is I want to be able to succeed in a job like this new one. I want to have a meaningful position that has a positive impact on others. I want this with all of my soul. But I am worried that as someone with mental wellness issues, I am only capeable of the most basic functioning. Like working in some lonely little flower shop about ten hours a week. Really, on many days I am not sure I can do much more than that. But bigger opportunities are coming my way. It is a blessing, it is inspiring, and oh my, it is so very daunting.
You know, one of those people who seem to just float through life without giving things much thought. New job? Okay, sounds great. New home? Sure, just box things up and pop right in. That's just incredible to me.... but yeah, so not my life. I am constantly amazed at how much mental energy I have to expend just to get through even the simplest of days.
To the outside world, I look pretty high fuctioning. Seemingly decent job in a huge university system, two graduate degrees, bread-winner for my family, super-lovely little home, uber-fabulous son, lots of stamps in my passport, dedicated runner of many races (even nabbing some medals in my age group these days ~ whoo hoo!). But on many, many days, I am absolutely paralyzed with uncertainty about things like what earrings to wear, when to open the mail, how to answer the phone, what to really do with my life. Seriously, when my moods are off (hey, bi-polar disorder ~ do you really have to be such good friends with alcholism? ugh.), the wrong earrings, a misplaced magazine, an overpacked pocketbook, a missed subway, or any other random thing can derail me into a completely nonfunctional state. For days.
Okay, so why write about this now? Because as much as I've complained endlessly about my current job, it has given me the enormous flexibility I needed to get sober. I have had to force myself on so many occasions to express any kind of appreciation for the fact that it has enabled me to support my family during a crazy economic time, but I never really felt the gratitude because it's really such a toxic workplace. It truly is. But what has it given me? Pretty much everything someone in recovery needs. I can go in late, I can leave early, I can work from home, I can take "wellness" days when I need them, I can take a lunch hour every day to attend the AA meetings that are fully responsible for getting me sober. Reader, this job has been my rehab. And it looks like it may be time to transition into the normal working world.
Tomorrow morning, I have a second interview for my dream job. Let me amend that ~ it's the dream job for the very sober, non bi-polar version of myself. The "well" lulu can do this job. She is made for this job. She is destined for this job. But the lulu who is barely four years sober... the lulu who is making valient yet exhausing efforts to manage a serious mood disorder without medication... the lulu who is still just beginning to deal with all the damage of being raised in a wildly alcholic and mentally ill family... oh, that lulu isn't sure she can do this. Be responsible, be accountable, be proactive, be a grown up? Not sure at all.
Somehow, I built a decent career while destroying myself with raging alcholism. Isn't is odd that it's only now that I'm sober that I can't imagine how to keep it together? Perhaps before this, I just didn't let myself feel the stress. I was either too looped or too hungover to care about the risk of failure and the pressure of success.
All I know is I want to be able to succeed in a job like this new one. I want to have a meaningful position that has a positive impact on others. I want this with all of my soul. But I am worried that as someone with mental wellness issues, I am only capeable of the most basic functioning. Like working in some lonely little flower shop about ten hours a week. Really, on many days I am not sure I can do much more than that. But bigger opportunities are coming my way. It is a blessing, it is inspiring, and oh my, it is so very daunting.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
chocolate and chick-flicks
Hubby on martial arts biz trip in south america, little one at grandma's for the weekend, and omg i am in our lovely home ALONE!
I've spent oodles of time alone. I have travelled alone, lived in many apartments alone, and mistakenly thought this all meant I was good at being alone. Oh, sure ~ I was the model of independence. Sitting solo in my various urban kitchenettes with a bottle of wine (okay, two) and journels that never actually got filled with insightful and hilarious words of the next great american novel (surprise, surprise). I can't believe I always thought I was so content - blissed out, even - in my solitary life while drinking myself into oblivion. I never had enough un-buzzed time to recognize the perpetual anxiety, doubt, avoidance, and damage that I was pushing down with each sip.
So here I sit, just barely four years sober, and what a different experience. I can let myself miss my boys and be okay with the feeling of lonliness. Then I can curl up on the couch with some chocolate (come on, I can't give up everything), watch "The Devil Wears Prada" (yes, I can now admit this without shame!), and feel genuinely happy. No over-the-moon-wine-fueled euphoria, no raging dispair ~ just normal, balanced happiness. Who knew how nice an ordinary night at home alone could be?
A sober evening to all... xoxo, lulu
I've spent oodles of time alone. I have travelled alone, lived in many apartments alone, and mistakenly thought this all meant I was good at being alone. Oh, sure ~ I was the model of independence. Sitting solo in my various urban kitchenettes with a bottle of wine (okay, two) and journels that never actually got filled with insightful and hilarious words of the next great american novel (surprise, surprise). I can't believe I always thought I was so content - blissed out, even - in my solitary life while drinking myself into oblivion. I never had enough un-buzzed time to recognize the perpetual anxiety, doubt, avoidance, and damage that I was pushing down with each sip.
So here I sit, just barely four years sober, and what a different experience. I can let myself miss my boys and be okay with the feeling of lonliness. Then I can curl up on the couch with some chocolate (come on, I can't give up everything), watch "The Devil Wears Prada" (yes, I can now admit this without shame!), and feel genuinely happy. No over-the-moon-wine-fueled euphoria, no raging dispair ~ just normal, balanced happiness. Who knew how nice an ordinary night at home alone could be?
A sober evening to all... xoxo, lulu
Friday, August 17, 2012
43 is the new 14! (Well, when you were sloshed half your life, that is)
As I type this post, I am half-blinded by my glittery pink nail polish which I snagged for 3 dollars in Forever 21. Yes, I am a 43 year old mother and higher education professional with multiple graduate degrees, totally blissing out over my sparkly pink nails.
But the truth is ~ I LOVE my inappropriateness! During my first year or two of sobriety, I was totally captivated by the theories that you emotionally stop growing at the age you were when you first start drinking alcoholically. That is just so incredibly true for me. Yet somehow, like many other alcoholics, I managed to market my perpetual state of arrested development into a charming, quirky character attribute. Even when it's so glaringly unhelpful.
How fun that at 30 I fled a tentured teaching job to become a part-time pilates teacher! How free-spirited that I travelled abroad more than once a year on a whim and a credit card when I barely could pay rent! How hip and cool that just last week I had feathers woven into my hair the day before facilitating an uber-high level technology workshop for university leaders! Yes, people. FEATHERS.
What a snooze, it always seemed, to do "grown up things", like learn about personal finance, investing in a home, retirement funds, credit scores, blah blah blah. What a yawn to do things like, oh I don't know, Open the Mail When It Arrives. So much more fun to just loll through life with a nice pinot noir and a platform to yammer on about my masters in medieval literature, my yoga certifications, my urban botanical photography, and don't forget my super-spectacular collection of sparkly accessories!?
So rather than be very alcoholic in my thinking and actually slam my frivolous, playful (fine - childish) self, it's only now crossing my slow-to-sober-living mind that there is a middle ground. I don't actually have to replace my "Find Your Inner French Girl" books with "Personal Accounting for Dummies". I don't have to swap my photography classes for MS Office certifications. But maybe I can do both. In small chunks.
Alcoholism ravaged my potential to develop a stronger life in professional and financial terms. I know this in my bones. But learning to build that part of my life now doesn't mean I have to toss the rest. Right? I have been SO attached my ENTIRE life to this image of free-spiritedness, but my image was blurry. Free-spirited doesn't have to mean clueless. Directionless. Lost. I can learn how my taxes actually work while also reading complex literature and wearing my new adorable red velvety skinny jeans, right?
Well, sober living is never dull. That's for sure. :-) Have a blissful sober evening, all....
~ Lulu
But the truth is ~ I LOVE my inappropriateness! During my first year or two of sobriety, I was totally captivated by the theories that you emotionally stop growing at the age you were when you first start drinking alcoholically. That is just so incredibly true for me. Yet somehow, like many other alcoholics, I managed to market my perpetual state of arrested development into a charming, quirky character attribute. Even when it's so glaringly unhelpful.
How fun that at 30 I fled a tentured teaching job to become a part-time pilates teacher! How free-spirited that I travelled abroad more than once a year on a whim and a credit card when I barely could pay rent! How hip and cool that just last week I had feathers woven into my hair the day before facilitating an uber-high level technology workshop for university leaders! Yes, people. FEATHERS.
What a snooze, it always seemed, to do "grown up things", like learn about personal finance, investing in a home, retirement funds, credit scores, blah blah blah. What a yawn to do things like, oh I don't know, Open the Mail When It Arrives. So much more fun to just loll through life with a nice pinot noir and a platform to yammer on about my masters in medieval literature, my yoga certifications, my urban botanical photography, and don't forget my super-spectacular collection of sparkly accessories!?
So rather than be very alcoholic in my thinking and actually slam my frivolous, playful (fine - childish) self, it's only now crossing my slow-to-sober-living mind that there is a middle ground. I don't actually have to replace my "Find Your Inner French Girl" books with "Personal Accounting for Dummies". I don't have to swap my photography classes for MS Office certifications. But maybe I can do both. In small chunks.
Alcoholism ravaged my potential to develop a stronger life in professional and financial terms. I know this in my bones. But learning to build that part of my life now doesn't mean I have to toss the rest. Right? I have been SO attached my ENTIRE life to this image of free-spiritedness, but my image was blurry. Free-spirited doesn't have to mean clueless. Directionless. Lost. I can learn how my taxes actually work while also reading complex literature and wearing my new adorable red velvety skinny jeans, right?
Well, sober living is never dull. That's for sure. :-) Have a blissful sober evening, all....
~ Lulu
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My birthday eve is great because...
...I am sober! How blissful is that? I'm actually NOT spending a birthday indluging in pseudo-romantic illusions about my life. Instead, I am just living it. The difficult parts (Where am I going in my career? How do I create more solid friendships? When will I ever learn how to manage money?!) and the blissful parts (adoring my son, loving my husband, relishing my garden, treasuring my photography, ever and always loving my beloved brooklyn home).
I love that my 40's are sober. I am treasuring every minute of this decade (43 tomorrow!) and I am deeply grateful to everyone in meetings, writing recovery books, and creating recovery blogs for inspiring me each and every day...
I love that my 40's are sober. I am treasuring every minute of this decade (43 tomorrow!) and I am deeply grateful to everyone in meetings, writing recovery books, and creating recovery blogs for inspiring me each and every day...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Why do I post so rarely? Because my sober ass is LAZY!!!
Okay, so I believe in blogging for recovery so much that I read all of you all the time, tell other people in recovery about sober blogs, and write "start updating my blog" on my daily to do list as often as I write "stop eating all that chocolate after 10pm". (I am eating chocolate right now. It is 10:04pm)
So why don't I do this more often? Well, because I'm too busy intellectualizing why I don't do this more often, of course. After all, I'm an ALCOHOLIC! So, naturally, I live in my head where all kinds of productive things happen, like passionate inner debates about why it's taken over a decade to start seriously finishing an old thesis, whether my desire to lose four more pounds is a replacement addiction (ummm... I am a size zero.), or why I truly love AA but still don't commit to a sponsor or do the steps. See? It's a flippin party of productivity up there.
So, here I am trying to break out of my isolationist-recovery shell, after far too many years in an isolationsist-active alcohlic shell. One post a day starting now! Even if it's only mildly entertaining versus the I-know-you-are-falling-out-of-your-chair laughing entertaining. (Oh, is that just in my head too?)
Sober hugs to all! ~ Lulu
So why don't I do this more often? Well, because I'm too busy intellectualizing why I don't do this more often, of course. After all, I'm an ALCOHOLIC! So, naturally, I live in my head where all kinds of productive things happen, like passionate inner debates about why it's taken over a decade to start seriously finishing an old thesis, whether my desire to lose four more pounds is a replacement addiction (ummm... I am a size zero.), or why I truly love AA but still don't commit to a sponsor or do the steps. See? It's a flippin party of productivity up there.
So, here I am trying to break out of my isolationist-recovery shell, after far too many years in an isolationsist-active alcohlic shell. One post a day starting now! Even if it's only mildly entertaining versus the I-know-you-are-falling-out-of-your-chair laughing entertaining. (Oh, is that just in my head too?)
Sober hugs to all! ~ Lulu
Friday, March 2, 2012
Questions for all of you
I am having the most amazing realizations and would just love some feedback from any readers out there. I am starting to understand that certain aspects of myself that didn't seem connected to my alcoholism are actually Very Much connected to my alcoholism. Slowly and steadily, through listening in AA, reading all of you, and working with a wonderful therpist, I've begun to see that some of my behaviors and personality traits ~ ones I always thought were just "me" ~ are actually the result of being raised in a super-alcoholic family/community and my own alcoholism. Now that I look at these particular traits/behaviors with a critical eye, it just makes so much sense... but letting them go is difficult to imagine doing (how do I let go of "me-ness"?!) and heartbreaking (some of these qualities have been so much fun!) . It was painful enough to break up with all that lovely (um, I mean demonic) wine, but now it's clear I have to let go of parts of "myself" that just don't serve me or others anymore. They served alcoholism.
I should also say that I've come to this place without doing the forth step yet. Despite three years sobriety, I just started working the steps with a sponsor. It was just after I starting mulling over this issue in the last few days that I realized the fourth step might be exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, my questions to all of you are: Did this happen to you? If so, what did you have to change or let go of? Isn't this scarey?! Oh god, grateful for anything you can share...
I should also say that I've come to this place without doing the forth step yet. Despite three years sobriety, I just started working the steps with a sponsor. It was just after I starting mulling over this issue in the last few days that I realized the fourth step might be exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, my questions to all of you are: Did this happen to you? If so, what did you have to change or let go of? Isn't this scarey?! Oh god, grateful for anything you can share...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sober Strength
Sober strength ~ something I wish I had more of, but I think for now I need to take a time out and express gratitude for the strength I do have. Survived a four day god-awful melt down, but managed to do the following despite taking three days off of work, lying on the couch, and sobbing... a lot:
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Sober Meltdowns
Can someone please tell me if this will get better? Or not, so I can just prepare myself for a life of incredible "i can do anything" moods and then the inevitable meltdown when i can't even summon up the emotional strength to make breakfast?
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I work for a moron.
Really, I do. I know that sounds like such an alcoholic holier-than-thou statement, but it's just true. The man has no ability to make clear decisions, never remembers the directions he gave, completely lacks relationship building skills, and thrives - positively thrives - on conflict, contentiousness, and crisis. I have never seen a single idea of his work. At all. Not one. And quite a few of us suffer the fallout.
I started this job 3 1/2 years ago... which was exactly the same time I got sober. Reader, this is my sober job. My god, the job description really should have said "If you are in recovery - from anything at all - please DO NOT apply for this job as it will alternately bore you to tears and inflict extraordinary anxiety". (Okay, I sound super dramatic but hey, I'm an alcoholic. It's so part of my composition). So what on god's green earth am I still doing there? Answer: Sober Fear. As I said today in a meeting, I managed to regularly change jobs - even industries - with great ease, move to new apartments, travel to new countries, and all kinds of other "oh-how-i-love-change" actions. But in sobriety, I swear you would see claw marks along the floor of my home if you ever, ever tried to get me to move. I always loved to travel, but in sobriety I've passed up trips with my husband's work-life to Japan (twice), Thailand (twice), South Africa, and Abu Dhabi (twice). Yes, we have a little boy so travelling so far would have been a challenge (whether we took him or not) but I can't use that as an excuse. My sobriety is so much about creating a sense of safety that I just won't come out of my shell - even when it's uncomfortable and I really need to.
I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT meant to be in this job. It is so detached from my skills, values, abilities, beliefs that some days I am just saturated with "how did I end up here?" ruminations. But I know how I got there. I made a decision to leave my old job (which I had outgrown but I loved so deeply) because I needed to get sober. I took this job because it looked so removed from human emotion and develeopment that I thought it would be a calm, quiet retreat from my "real" career path and I could just focus on sobriety. I need to take a step back and realize that no matter how damaging this job has been, it really did enable me to focus on sobriety. The locations alone have been incredible - BOTH locations happen to be down the block from an AA meeting that occur every single day at lunchtime. I don't know if I would be as sober as I am without that beautiful opportunity. It has given me flexibility and freedom in many ways. Most importantly, it has given me a very generous salary and benefits that have enabled me to support my family, as my husband's business of 25 years went under financially three years ago. (The fact that I am the breadwinner is so astonishing to me, but more on that another time).
But despite these benefits, it is not a real livlihood. There is nothing valuable, nothing meaningful coming out of my efforts. I - along with my colleagues - do not get to use any of my talents or develop in any way. So, it is time to move on but without the foggy, disorganized, carefree, gypsy-like lens of my "oh I'll just pack up and go" alcoholism, I don't know how to make a clear decision. I don't know how to summon up courage without being three sheets to the wind. And I always thought I was so adventerous - HA! Silly me. This is SCAREY and I hope I can pull myself together, see opportunitites with clear eyes, and make a good decision.
Thanks for reading my super-rambling rant! ~ Lulu
I started this job 3 1/2 years ago... which was exactly the same time I got sober. Reader, this is my sober job. My god, the job description really should have said "If you are in recovery - from anything at all - please DO NOT apply for this job as it will alternately bore you to tears and inflict extraordinary anxiety". (Okay, I sound super dramatic but hey, I'm an alcoholic. It's so part of my composition). So what on god's green earth am I still doing there? Answer: Sober Fear. As I said today in a meeting, I managed to regularly change jobs - even industries - with great ease, move to new apartments, travel to new countries, and all kinds of other "oh-how-i-love-change" actions. But in sobriety, I swear you would see claw marks along the floor of my home if you ever, ever tried to get me to move. I always loved to travel, but in sobriety I've passed up trips with my husband's work-life to Japan (twice), Thailand (twice), South Africa, and Abu Dhabi (twice). Yes, we have a little boy so travelling so far would have been a challenge (whether we took him or not) but I can't use that as an excuse. My sobriety is so much about creating a sense of safety that I just won't come out of my shell - even when it's uncomfortable and I really need to.
I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT meant to be in this job. It is so detached from my skills, values, abilities, beliefs that some days I am just saturated with "how did I end up here?" ruminations. But I know how I got there. I made a decision to leave my old job (which I had outgrown but I loved so deeply) because I needed to get sober. I took this job because it looked so removed from human emotion and develeopment that I thought it would be a calm, quiet retreat from my "real" career path and I could just focus on sobriety. I need to take a step back and realize that no matter how damaging this job has been, it really did enable me to focus on sobriety. The locations alone have been incredible - BOTH locations happen to be down the block from an AA meeting that occur every single day at lunchtime. I don't know if I would be as sober as I am without that beautiful opportunity. It has given me flexibility and freedom in many ways. Most importantly, it has given me a very generous salary and benefits that have enabled me to support my family, as my husband's business of 25 years went under financially three years ago. (The fact that I am the breadwinner is so astonishing to me, but more on that another time).
But despite these benefits, it is not a real livlihood. There is nothing valuable, nothing meaningful coming out of my efforts. I - along with my colleagues - do not get to use any of my talents or develop in any way. So, it is time to move on but without the foggy, disorganized, carefree, gypsy-like lens of my "oh I'll just pack up and go" alcoholism, I don't know how to make a clear decision. I don't know how to summon up courage without being three sheets to the wind. And I always thought I was so adventerous - HA! Silly me. This is SCAREY and I hope I can pull myself together, see opportunitites with clear eyes, and make a good decision.
Thanks for reading my super-rambling rant! ~ Lulu
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A friend's struggle with alcohol
I have a good friend... no, let me rephrase that... I have a friend who is so close to my heart he is like a brother to me, he is family, he is blood, and he is going through that special hell of knowing he is an alcoholic but unable to stop drinking. Though we grew up together here in new york city, he now lives in london so I am only able to help him through email, texting, and hopefully this blog.
I never get over how uncanny it is that alcoholics understand each other in a way that non-alcoholics (bless their lucky souls... and genes!) never can. I am sure he thinks he's completely crazy sometimes, with how difficult this is, how unreal it is to wake up and realize you truly have no control over your drinking and it's ravaging so much, so quickly, but I understand every single word he writes. Just like I understand all of you. Just today, I was having an absolutely awful work day. Thankfully, I resisted my ever-present desire to avoid a meeting and I went to one. Listened for an hour and slowly, so slowly but steadily, I heard more and more comments that resonated, that made me feel less alone, that reminded me I do not have normal coping mechanisms, I do not have normal decision making mechanisms, I am an alcoholic and have the right to take a time out and go easy on myself. I don't know about you, but I just love the slogans ~ take it easy, easy does it, one day at a time ~ gemstones in my pocket that I can just twirl between my fingers when I need them (which is more often than not).
Unfortunately for my friend, meetings in his neighborhood don't seem to be as available as here in meeting-on-every-block new york. But I know they must be elsewhere in london. And there are blogs, on-line meetings, all kinds of web recordings, web magazines and resources ~ what wonders technology has done for the recovery community! So, I will do my best to help my friend and I have all the faith in the world that he will get better and soon know the relief and the peace that sobriety can bring.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening... Lulu
I never get over how uncanny it is that alcoholics understand each other in a way that non-alcoholics (bless their lucky souls... and genes!) never can. I am sure he thinks he's completely crazy sometimes, with how difficult this is, how unreal it is to wake up and realize you truly have no control over your drinking and it's ravaging so much, so quickly, but I understand every single word he writes. Just like I understand all of you. Just today, I was having an absolutely awful work day. Thankfully, I resisted my ever-present desire to avoid a meeting and I went to one. Listened for an hour and slowly, so slowly but steadily, I heard more and more comments that resonated, that made me feel less alone, that reminded me I do not have normal coping mechanisms, I do not have normal decision making mechanisms, I am an alcoholic and have the right to take a time out and go easy on myself. I don't know about you, but I just love the slogans ~ take it easy, easy does it, one day at a time ~ gemstones in my pocket that I can just twirl between my fingers when I need them (which is more often than not).
Unfortunately for my friend, meetings in his neighborhood don't seem to be as available as here in meeting-on-every-block new york. But I know they must be elsewhere in london. And there are blogs, on-line meetings, all kinds of web recordings, web magazines and resources ~ what wonders technology has done for the recovery community! So, I will do my best to help my friend and I have all the faith in the world that he will get better and soon know the relief and the peace that sobriety can bring.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening... Lulu
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sober Accomplishments!
Today, I received the following email, "Hi. You have qualified for the ING New York City 2012 Marathon. Congratulations." I'm trying to put my feelings into words (i know, it's a blog, words are helpful) but I'm just so... awed. This is a totally new kind of happiness ~ centered, calm, reflective. I am quietly yet very deeply happy.
Now, I actually ran my first marathon six weeks ago so my awe, my pride (which is a totally new emotion, thankyouverymuch), and my happiness is blossoming not from the anticipation of completing my next marathon but from the incredible hard work I put into qualifying for this. I had to run 9 nyc races this year with one additional volunteer race, along with training for my brooklyn marathon. Given the fact that I work full-time, have a five year old son, and manage a zillion of the usual adult responsibilities (all while grappling with thrid year sobrity without a sponsor or home group or steps - all of which I now thankfully have) I managed to train for a marathon this year, run it (really well!), and qualify for nyc marathon next year. Who am I?!
Despite the outward appearance of success, I honestly feel like this is the first time I have ever worked at something diligently enough to accomplish a goal. Up to this moment, everything else feels more like it was random luck or good fortune. My alcoholism was of the romantic, flighty, oh-look-at-this-next-cool-thing-I-will-soon-abandon nature. I worked so hard to make everything have the sheen of success, but it was really just image. Just illusion. My passion for wine fed a life of dreams I could never come close to attaining. But now... my god. This really is a whole new way of living.
Sobreity is amazing. Only in sobriety could this have happened for me. ONLY in sobriety. Wishing you all a blissful, sober evening...
Now, I actually ran my first marathon six weeks ago so my awe, my pride (which is a totally new emotion, thankyouverymuch), and my happiness is blossoming not from the anticipation of completing my next marathon but from the incredible hard work I put into qualifying for this. I had to run 9 nyc races this year with one additional volunteer race, along with training for my brooklyn marathon. Given the fact that I work full-time, have a five year old son, and manage a zillion of the usual adult responsibilities (all while grappling with thrid year sobrity without a sponsor or home group or steps - all of which I now thankfully have) I managed to train for a marathon this year, run it (really well!), and qualify for nyc marathon next year. Who am I?!
Despite the outward appearance of success, I honestly feel like this is the first time I have ever worked at something diligently enough to accomplish a goal. Up to this moment, everything else feels more like it was random luck or good fortune. My alcoholism was of the romantic, flighty, oh-look-at-this-next-cool-thing-I-will-soon-abandon nature. I worked so hard to make everything have the sheen of success, but it was really just image. Just illusion. My passion for wine fed a life of dreams I could never come close to attaining. But now... my god. This really is a whole new way of living.
Sobreity is amazing. Only in sobriety could this have happened for me. ONLY in sobriety. Wishing you all a blissful, sober evening...
Monday, January 2, 2012
Beating addiction should be celebratory, right?!
I just read the most amazing post on a very popular blog in which the writer "comes out" about her battle with depression. Her honesty and courage is just amazing, especially as her blog is not focused upon recovery but is geared towards "regular" followers who are simply public fans.
She compares battling depression to battles with cancer and related diseases. While personal triumphs over the latter conditions is cause for fantabulous celebration, the former does not elicit the same kind of pat-on-the-back response. More often, it is misunderstood and creates an atmosphere of shame and embarrassment than pride and joy. Why is this? Mood disorders, mental illnesses, and addictions are miswirings of the brain and related physiological systems. Why can we share diagnosis and triumph over diabetes but not alcohlism? Heart disease but not bipolar disorder? High blood pressure but not drug abuse?
As a long distance runner, I think about this a lot because I see hundreds of runners donning t-shirts for every cause imaginable. Zillions of dollars and priceless awarness is raised via running advertisements for leukemia, asthma, autism, etc. Just imagine for a moment seeing me running by (you'd have to keep your eyes open, though, as I am uber-fast!) and seeing me in a tee that proudly claimed "Running for Recovery: AA saves lives". Omg, how great would that be?! Well, great for us but not great for the wildly awkward feelings and responses from other runners and bystanders.
Stigma. Terrible, I know, and the only way to defeat it is to obviously "come out". But oops ~ there's that whole anonymous issue. I have to say, I have not felt kindly towards the anoymous tradition. I will respect it for others, of course, from the bottom of my soul but I am very doubtful it is doing us much good in the long run. It maintains a stigma. Does anyone remember when the words "breast cancer" were mostly whispered? And have those same people ever witnessed the unbelievable crowds of the Walk for the Cure? Amazing, how much has been accomplished by coming out. Remove stigma - check. Raise money and resources for treatments - check. Create early detection and prevention programs - check. Save and improve lives beyond measure - check.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if someday the same could happen for our disease? Check out the inspirational blogger here: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/
Hope you all are having a blissful and sober new year!
She compares battling depression to battles with cancer and related diseases. While personal triumphs over the latter conditions is cause for fantabulous celebration, the former does not elicit the same kind of pat-on-the-back response. More often, it is misunderstood and creates an atmosphere of shame and embarrassment than pride and joy. Why is this? Mood disorders, mental illnesses, and addictions are miswirings of the brain and related physiological systems. Why can we share diagnosis and triumph over diabetes but not alcohlism? Heart disease but not bipolar disorder? High blood pressure but not drug abuse?
As a long distance runner, I think about this a lot because I see hundreds of runners donning t-shirts for every cause imaginable. Zillions of dollars and priceless awarness is raised via running advertisements for leukemia, asthma, autism, etc. Just imagine for a moment seeing me running by (you'd have to keep your eyes open, though, as I am uber-fast!) and seeing me in a tee that proudly claimed "Running for Recovery: AA saves lives". Omg, how great would that be?! Well, great for us but not great for the wildly awkward feelings and responses from other runners and bystanders.
Stigma. Terrible, I know, and the only way to defeat it is to obviously "come out". But oops ~ there's that whole anonymous issue. I have to say, I have not felt kindly towards the anoymous tradition. I will respect it for others, of course, from the bottom of my soul but I am very doubtful it is doing us much good in the long run. It maintains a stigma. Does anyone remember when the words "breast cancer" were mostly whispered? And have those same people ever witnessed the unbelievable crowds of the Walk for the Cure? Amazing, how much has been accomplished by coming out. Remove stigma - check. Raise money and resources for treatments - check. Create early detection and prevention programs - check. Save and improve lives beyond measure - check.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if someday the same could happen for our disease? Check out the inspirational blogger here: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/
Hope you all are having a blissful and sober new year!
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