Saturday, February 11, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sober Strength
Sober strength ~ something I wish I had more of, but I think for now I need to take a time out and express gratitude for the strength I do have. Survived a four day god-awful melt down, but managed to do the following despite taking three days off of work, lying on the couch, and sobbing... a lot:
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Sober Meltdowns
Can someone please tell me if this will get better? Or not, so I can just prepare myself for a life of incredible "i can do anything" moods and then the inevitable meltdown when i can't even summon up the emotional strength to make breakfast?
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
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