Sober strength ~ something I wish I had more of, but I think for now I need to take a time out and express gratitude for the strength I do have. Survived a four day god-awful melt down, but managed to do the following despite taking three days off of work, lying on the couch, and sobbing... a lot:
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
Wow, you definitely need major props! These were amazing feats of sober strength! You sure did Show Up!
ReplyDeleteSometimes showing up is all we need to do. I am very open with my alcoholism. I don't plaster it on billboards, but I also make sure I don't hide it. I want people to know that this disease doesn't discriminate. It effects all walks of life. I had lost touch with a friend shortly before I went to AA. I thought of her many times, but just didn't want to explain the whole story "one more time". I guess some things you just have to do when you are ready. I was ready this past December. She was surprised but then excited and so glad that I sobered up. I think in those early phases of recovery you have everything to do to just keep your head above water. Sometimes you just have to learn to swim on your own. You helped another alcoholic, just by showing up. You may not always realize it but girl, "you rock"! Hang in there, one day at a time :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog Lulu!
ReplyDeleteJust the simple act of showing up is HUGE!
I like drybottomgirl being open and not ashamed of alcoholism. It is my greatest achievement of the last 300 odd days, so why can't we share our successes?
ReplyDeleteAs for blogging when things aren't so good, I like to use a post as a way of getting things out there, like an online therapy too.