Today, I received the following email, "Hi. You have qualified for the ING New York City 2012 Marathon. Congratulations." I'm trying to put my feelings into words (i know, it's a blog, words are helpful) but I'm just so... awed. This is a totally new kind of happiness ~ centered, calm, reflective. I am quietly yet very deeply happy.
Now, I actually ran my first marathon six weeks ago so my awe, my pride (which is a totally new emotion, thankyouverymuch), and my happiness is blossoming not from the anticipation of completing my next marathon but from the incredible hard work I put into qualifying for this. I had to run 9 nyc races this year with one additional volunteer race, along with training for my brooklyn marathon. Given the fact that I work full-time, have a five year old son, and manage a zillion of the usual adult responsibilities (all while grappling with thrid year sobrity without a sponsor or home group or steps - all of which I now thankfully have) I managed to train for a marathon this year, run it (really well!), and qualify for nyc marathon next year. Who am I?!
Despite the outward appearance of success, I honestly feel like this is the first time I have ever worked at something diligently enough to accomplish a goal. Up to this moment, everything else feels more like it was random luck or good fortune. My alcoholism was of the romantic, flighty, oh-look-at-this-next-cool-thing-I-will-soon-abandon nature. I worked so hard to make everything have the sheen of success, but it was really just image. Just illusion. My passion for wine fed a life of dreams I could never come close to attaining. But now... my god. This really is a whole new way of living.
Sobreity is amazing. Only in sobriety could this have happened for me. ONLY in sobriety. Wishing you all a blissful, sober evening...
Congratulations!!! That is so awesome!
ReplyDeleteLove this post. "My passion for wine fed a life of dreams I could never come close to attaining." It is so true how we dream so much more while drinking, but we actually DO wonderful things while sober. GREAT post.
Give me a high five girl! You are so awesome! Becoming the woman you were meant to be and sharing it with us! Be proud of yourself, sobriety fuels your dreams now, and just think, this is just the beginning.... ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much! I can't believe how alien it is to feel a sense of accomplishment like this. I think the closest I came to this emotion in the past was the relief that accompanied things like: getting by, getting away with something, treading water, pulling it off, and related barely-keeping-my-act-together emotions. What a crazy way to live!
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