Another sober first (in other words ~ omg i am scared!!!)

As much as I love being a sober alcholic ~ yes, so reflective of every single flippin thing I do, so mindful of every fluctuation of my crazy-ass moods ~ sometimes I fantasize about what it must be like to be, oh, a normal person. 

You know, one of those people who seem to just float through life without giving things much thought.  New job?  Okay, sounds great.  New home?  Sure, just box things up and pop right in.  That's just incredible to me.... but yeah, so not my life.   I am constantly amazed at how much mental energy I have to expend just to get through even the simplest of days. 

To the outside world, I look pretty high fuctioning.  Seemingly decent job in a huge university system, two graduate degrees, bread-winner for my family, super-lovely little home, uber-fabulous son, lots of stamps in my passport, dedicated runner of many races (even nabbing some medals in my age group these days ~ whoo hoo!).  But on many, many days, I am absolutely paralyzed with uncertainty about things like what earrings to wear, when to open the mail, how to answer the phone, what to really do with my life.  Seriously, when my moods are off (hey, bi-polar disorder ~ do you really have to be such good friends with alcholism?  ugh.), the wrong earrings, a misplaced magazine, an overpacked pocketbook, a missed subway, or any other random thing can derail me into a completely nonfunctional state.  For days.

Okay, so why write about this now?  Because as much as I've complained endlessly about my current job, it has given me the enormous flexibility I needed to get sober.  I have had to force myself on so many occasions to express any kind of appreciation for the fact that it has enabled me to support my family during a crazy economic time, but I never really felt the gratitude because it's really such a toxic workplace.  It truly is.  But what has it given me?   Pretty much everything someone in recovery needs. I can go in late, I can leave early, I can work from home, I can take "wellness" days when I need them, I can take a lunch hour every day to attend the AA meetings that are fully responsible for getting me sober.  Reader, this job has been my rehab.  And it looks like it may be time to transition into the normal working world.

Tomorrow morning, I have a second interview for my dream job.  Let me amend that ~ it's the dream job for the very sober, non bi-polar version of myself.  The "well" lulu can do this job. She is made for this job.  She is destined for this job.  But the lulu who is barely four years sober... the lulu who is making valient yet exhausing efforts to manage a serious mood disorder without medication... the lulu who is still just beginning to deal with all the damage of being raised in a wildly alcholic and mentally ill family... oh, that lulu isn't sure she can do this.  Be responsible, be accountable, be proactive, be a grown up?  Not sure at all.

Somehow, I built a decent career while destroying myself with raging alcholism.  Isn't is odd that it's only now that I'm sober that I can't imagine how to keep it together?  Perhaps before this, I just didn't let myself feel the stress.  I was either too looped or too hungover to care about the risk of failure and the pressure of success. 

All I know is I want to be able to succeed in a job like this new one.  I want to have a meaningful position that has a positive impact on others.  I want this with all of my soul.   But I am worried that as someone with mental wellness issues, I am only capeable of the most basic functioning.  Like working in some lonely little flower shop about ten hours a week.  Really, on many days I am not sure I can do much more than that.  But bigger opportunities are coming my way.  It is a blessing, it is inspiring, and oh my, it is so very daunting.