Okay, so I believe in blogging for recovery so much that I read all of you all the time, tell other people in recovery about sober blogs, and write "start updating my blog" on my daily to do list as often as I write "stop eating all that chocolate after 10pm". (I am eating chocolate right now. It is 10:04pm)
So why don't I do this more often? Well, because I'm too busy intellectualizing why I don't do this more often, of course. After all, I'm an ALCOHOLIC! So, naturally, I live in my head where all kinds of productive things happen, like passionate inner debates about why it's taken over a decade to start seriously finishing an old thesis, whether my desire to lose four more pounds is a replacement addiction (ummm... I am a size zero.), or why I truly love AA but still don't commit to a sponsor or do the steps. See? It's a flippin party of productivity up there.
So, here I am trying to break out of my isolationist-recovery shell, after far too many years in an isolationsist-active alcohlic shell. One post a day starting now! Even if it's only mildly entertaining versus the I-know-you-are-falling-out-of-your-chair laughing entertaining. (Oh, is that just in my head too?)
Sober hugs to all! ~ Lulu
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Questions for all of you
I am having the most amazing realizations and would just love some feedback from any readers out there. I am starting to understand that certain aspects of myself that didn't seem connected to my alcoholism are actually Very Much connected to my alcoholism. Slowly and steadily, through listening in AA, reading all of you, and working with a wonderful therpist, I've begun to see that some of my behaviors and personality traits ~ ones I always thought were just "me" ~ are actually the result of being raised in a super-alcoholic family/community and my own alcoholism. Now that I look at these particular traits/behaviors with a critical eye, it just makes so much sense... but letting them go is difficult to imagine doing (how do I let go of "me-ness"?!) and heartbreaking (some of these qualities have been so much fun!) . It was painful enough to break up with all that lovely (um, I mean demonic) wine, but now it's clear I have to let go of parts of "myself" that just don't serve me or others anymore. They served alcoholism.
I should also say that I've come to this place without doing the forth step yet. Despite three years sobriety, I just started working the steps with a sponsor. It was just after I starting mulling over this issue in the last few days that I realized the fourth step might be exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, my questions to all of you are: Did this happen to you? If so, what did you have to change or let go of? Isn't this scarey?! Oh god, grateful for anything you can share...
I should also say that I've come to this place without doing the forth step yet. Despite three years sobriety, I just started working the steps with a sponsor. It was just after I starting mulling over this issue in the last few days that I realized the fourth step might be exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, my questions to all of you are: Did this happen to you? If so, what did you have to change or let go of? Isn't this scarey?! Oh god, grateful for anything you can share...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sober Strength
Sober strength ~ something I wish I had more of, but I think for now I need to take a time out and express gratitude for the strength I do have. Survived a four day god-awful melt down, but managed to do the following despite taking three days off of work, lying on the couch, and sobbing... a lot:
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
1. Reached out to the psychologist I was seeing in the autumn... and had stopped seeing once I decided I didn't have time, it wasn't going to help, and I should just focus on running my marathon. Ah, so marathons are fun but they don't resolve all issues related to alcoholism recovery and related issues? Really? Who knew?
2. Actually showed up for the appointment, was honest, listened, accepted his advice, and made an appointment for next week. And made appointment with counselor in my neighborhood who specializes in recovery. Showed up for that, too. Who am I?
3. Showed up for the very dear friend I wrote about before, who is struggling with his need to get sober. I had to peel myself off the floor of my home to drag myself into soho, first for an AA meeting I do service in (which i totally nearly bailed on) and then meet with him during his one day visit from london. I am telling you, i was a MESS but held it together to be there for him... which also helped me enormously, of course.
4. Finally broke my recovery silence with my oldest friend in the world. Two things amaze me about her incredible response. One - that she, like so many others, really didn't see my alcoholism. I hid it SO SO well! God, I am so tired of my life-long silence. Suddenly want to tell the whole world that yes, this very together-looking chick had enormous liver damage, jaundice, stomach bleeding, countless blackouts, morning tremors, and so so much more astonishing tragedy from a fifteen year 1 1/2 - 2 bottle of wine habit. Nightly. Yes, nightly, all those years. I spent every day from age 24 to 38 somewhere on the spectrum of buzzed to smashed to wildly hungover to alert enough to start all over. Second ~ I am so heartbroken that she feels hurt I excluded her from my recovery until now. I wanted to reach to her so many times - starting back in our 20's and continuing through the years till now. I was just so used to my silence. Wore it like a favorite jacket, it just fit so well. Alcoholism, the number one disease of alienation and isolation, isn't it?
5. Showed up (again, all this showing up!) for the counselor appointment. After our session, he read back to me what I've dealt with over the past three years. Oh my, it was a lot. But through it all, I've stayed sober.
Okay, deep breath. So I guess I'll keep going now... one step at a time.
A peaceful night to all,
Lulu
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Sober Meltdowns
Can someone please tell me if this will get better? Or not, so I can just prepare myself for a life of incredible "i can do anything" moods and then the inevitable meltdown when i can't even summon up the emotional strength to make breakfast?
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I work for a moron.
Really, I do. I know that sounds like such an alcoholic holier-than-thou statement, but it's just true. The man has no ability to make clear decisions, never remembers the directions he gave, completely lacks relationship building skills, and thrives - positively thrives - on conflict, contentiousness, and crisis. I have never seen a single idea of his work. At all. Not one. And quite a few of us suffer the fallout.
I started this job 3 1/2 years ago... which was exactly the same time I got sober. Reader, this is my sober job. My god, the job description really should have said "If you are in recovery - from anything at all - please DO NOT apply for this job as it will alternately bore you to tears and inflict extraordinary anxiety". (Okay, I sound super dramatic but hey, I'm an alcoholic. It's so part of my composition). So what on god's green earth am I still doing there? Answer: Sober Fear. As I said today in a meeting, I managed to regularly change jobs - even industries - with great ease, move to new apartments, travel to new countries, and all kinds of other "oh-how-i-love-change" actions. But in sobriety, I swear you would see claw marks along the floor of my home if you ever, ever tried to get me to move. I always loved to travel, but in sobriety I've passed up trips with my husband's work-life to Japan (twice), Thailand (twice), South Africa, and Abu Dhabi (twice). Yes, we have a little boy so travelling so far would have been a challenge (whether we took him or not) but I can't use that as an excuse. My sobriety is so much about creating a sense of safety that I just won't come out of my shell - even when it's uncomfortable and I really need to.
I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT meant to be in this job. It is so detached from my skills, values, abilities, beliefs that some days I am just saturated with "how did I end up here?" ruminations. But I know how I got there. I made a decision to leave my old job (which I had outgrown but I loved so deeply) because I needed to get sober. I took this job because it looked so removed from human emotion and develeopment that I thought it would be a calm, quiet retreat from my "real" career path and I could just focus on sobriety. I need to take a step back and realize that no matter how damaging this job has been, it really did enable me to focus on sobriety. The locations alone have been incredible - BOTH locations happen to be down the block from an AA meeting that occur every single day at lunchtime. I don't know if I would be as sober as I am without that beautiful opportunity. It has given me flexibility and freedom in many ways. Most importantly, it has given me a very generous salary and benefits that have enabled me to support my family, as my husband's business of 25 years went under financially three years ago. (The fact that I am the breadwinner is so astonishing to me, but more on that another time).
But despite these benefits, it is not a real livlihood. There is nothing valuable, nothing meaningful coming out of my efforts. I - along with my colleagues - do not get to use any of my talents or develop in any way. So, it is time to move on but without the foggy, disorganized, carefree, gypsy-like lens of my "oh I'll just pack up and go" alcoholism, I don't know how to make a clear decision. I don't know how to summon up courage without being three sheets to the wind. And I always thought I was so adventerous - HA! Silly me. This is SCAREY and I hope I can pull myself together, see opportunitites with clear eyes, and make a good decision.
Thanks for reading my super-rambling rant! ~ Lulu
I started this job 3 1/2 years ago... which was exactly the same time I got sober. Reader, this is my sober job. My god, the job description really should have said "If you are in recovery - from anything at all - please DO NOT apply for this job as it will alternately bore you to tears and inflict extraordinary anxiety". (Okay, I sound super dramatic but hey, I'm an alcoholic. It's so part of my composition). So what on god's green earth am I still doing there? Answer: Sober Fear. As I said today in a meeting, I managed to regularly change jobs - even industries - with great ease, move to new apartments, travel to new countries, and all kinds of other "oh-how-i-love-change" actions. But in sobriety, I swear you would see claw marks along the floor of my home if you ever, ever tried to get me to move. I always loved to travel, but in sobriety I've passed up trips with my husband's work-life to Japan (twice), Thailand (twice), South Africa, and Abu Dhabi (twice). Yes, we have a little boy so travelling so far would have been a challenge (whether we took him or not) but I can't use that as an excuse. My sobriety is so much about creating a sense of safety that I just won't come out of my shell - even when it's uncomfortable and I really need to.
I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT meant to be in this job. It is so detached from my skills, values, abilities, beliefs that some days I am just saturated with "how did I end up here?" ruminations. But I know how I got there. I made a decision to leave my old job (which I had outgrown but I loved so deeply) because I needed to get sober. I took this job because it looked so removed from human emotion and develeopment that I thought it would be a calm, quiet retreat from my "real" career path and I could just focus on sobriety. I need to take a step back and realize that no matter how damaging this job has been, it really did enable me to focus on sobriety. The locations alone have been incredible - BOTH locations happen to be down the block from an AA meeting that occur every single day at lunchtime. I don't know if I would be as sober as I am without that beautiful opportunity. It has given me flexibility and freedom in many ways. Most importantly, it has given me a very generous salary and benefits that have enabled me to support my family, as my husband's business of 25 years went under financially three years ago. (The fact that I am the breadwinner is so astonishing to me, but more on that another time).
But despite these benefits, it is not a real livlihood. There is nothing valuable, nothing meaningful coming out of my efforts. I - along with my colleagues - do not get to use any of my talents or develop in any way. So, it is time to move on but without the foggy, disorganized, carefree, gypsy-like lens of my "oh I'll just pack up and go" alcoholism, I don't know how to make a clear decision. I don't know how to summon up courage without being three sheets to the wind. And I always thought I was so adventerous - HA! Silly me. This is SCAREY and I hope I can pull myself together, see opportunitites with clear eyes, and make a good decision.
Thanks for reading my super-rambling rant! ~ Lulu
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A friend's struggle with alcohol
I have a good friend... no, let me rephrase that... I have a friend who is so close to my heart he is like a brother to me, he is family, he is blood, and he is going through that special hell of knowing he is an alcoholic but unable to stop drinking. Though we grew up together here in new york city, he now lives in london so I am only able to help him through email, texting, and hopefully this blog.
I never get over how uncanny it is that alcoholics understand each other in a way that non-alcoholics (bless their lucky souls... and genes!) never can. I am sure he thinks he's completely crazy sometimes, with how difficult this is, how unreal it is to wake up and realize you truly have no control over your drinking and it's ravaging so much, so quickly, but I understand every single word he writes. Just like I understand all of you. Just today, I was having an absolutely awful work day. Thankfully, I resisted my ever-present desire to avoid a meeting and I went to one. Listened for an hour and slowly, so slowly but steadily, I heard more and more comments that resonated, that made me feel less alone, that reminded me I do not have normal coping mechanisms, I do not have normal decision making mechanisms, I am an alcoholic and have the right to take a time out and go easy on myself. I don't know about you, but I just love the slogans ~ take it easy, easy does it, one day at a time ~ gemstones in my pocket that I can just twirl between my fingers when I need them (which is more often than not).
Unfortunately for my friend, meetings in his neighborhood don't seem to be as available as here in meeting-on-every-block new york. But I know they must be elsewhere in london. And there are blogs, on-line meetings, all kinds of web recordings, web magazines and resources ~ what wonders technology has done for the recovery community! So, I will do my best to help my friend and I have all the faith in the world that he will get better and soon know the relief and the peace that sobriety can bring.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening... Lulu
I never get over how uncanny it is that alcoholics understand each other in a way that non-alcoholics (bless their lucky souls... and genes!) never can. I am sure he thinks he's completely crazy sometimes, with how difficult this is, how unreal it is to wake up and realize you truly have no control over your drinking and it's ravaging so much, so quickly, but I understand every single word he writes. Just like I understand all of you. Just today, I was having an absolutely awful work day. Thankfully, I resisted my ever-present desire to avoid a meeting and I went to one. Listened for an hour and slowly, so slowly but steadily, I heard more and more comments that resonated, that made me feel less alone, that reminded me I do not have normal coping mechanisms, I do not have normal decision making mechanisms, I am an alcoholic and have the right to take a time out and go easy on myself. I don't know about you, but I just love the slogans ~ take it easy, easy does it, one day at a time ~ gemstones in my pocket that I can just twirl between my fingers when I need them (which is more often than not).
Unfortunately for my friend, meetings in his neighborhood don't seem to be as available as here in meeting-on-every-block new york. But I know they must be elsewhere in london. And there are blogs, on-line meetings, all kinds of web recordings, web magazines and resources ~ what wonders technology has done for the recovery community! So, I will do my best to help my friend and I have all the faith in the world that he will get better and soon know the relief and the peace that sobriety can bring.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening... Lulu
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