I work for a moron.

Really, I do. I know that sounds like such an alcoholic holier-than-thou statement, but it's just true.  The man has  no ability to make clear decisions, never remembers the directions he gave, completely lacks relationship building skills, and thrives - positively thrives - on conflict, contentiousness, and crisis. I have never seen a single idea of his work.  At all.  Not one.   And quite a few of us suffer the fallout.

I started this job 3 1/2 years ago... which was exactly the same time I got sober.   Reader, this is my sober job.  My god, the job description really should have said "If you are in recovery - from anything at all - please DO NOT apply for this job as it will alternately bore you to tears and inflict extraordinary anxiety".  (Okay, I sound super dramatic but hey, I'm an alcoholic.  It's so part of my composition).   So what on god's green earth am I still doing there?  Answer: Sober Fear.  As I said today in a meeting, I managed to regularly change jobs - even industries - with great ease, move to new apartments, travel to new countries, and all kinds of other "oh-how-i-love-change" actions.  But in sobriety, I swear you would see claw marks along the floor of my home if you ever, ever tried to get me to move.  I always loved to travel, but in sobriety I've passed up trips with my husband's work-life to Japan (twice), Thailand (twice), South Africa, and Abu Dhabi (twice).  Yes, we have a little boy so travelling so far would have been a challenge (whether we took him or not) but I can't use that as an excuse.  My sobriety is so much about creating a sense of safety that I just won't come out of my shell - even when it's uncomfortable and I really need to.

I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am NOT meant to be in this job.  It is so detached from my skills, values, abilities, beliefs that some days I am just saturated with "how did I end up here?" ruminations.  But I know how I got there. I made a decision to leave my old job (which I had outgrown but I loved so deeply) because I needed to get sober.  I took this job because it looked so removed from human emotion and develeopment that I thought it would be a calm, quiet retreat from my "real" career path and I could just focus on sobriety.  I need to take a step back and realize that no matter how damaging this job has been, it really did enable me to focus on sobriety.  The locations alone have been incredible - BOTH locations happen to be down the block from an AA meeting that occur every single day at lunchtime.  I don't know if I would be as sober as I am without that beautiful opportunity.  It has given me flexibility and freedom in many ways. Most importantly, it has given me a very generous salary and benefits that have enabled me to support my family, as my husband's business of 25 years went under financially three years ago.  (The fact that I am the breadwinner is so astonishing to me, but more on that another time).

But despite these benefits, it is not a real livlihood. There is nothing valuable, nothing meaningful coming out of my efforts.  I - along with my colleagues - do not get to use any of my talents or develop in any way.  So, it is time to move on but without the foggy, disorganized, carefree, gypsy-like lens of my "oh I'll just pack up and go" alcoholism, I don't know how to make a clear decision. I don't know how to summon up courage without being three sheets to the wind.  And I always thought I was so adventerous - HA!  Silly me.   This is SCAREY and I hope I can pull myself together, see opportunitites with clear eyes, and make a good decision.

Thanks for reading my super-rambling rant!  ~ Lulu