I am having the most amazing realizations and would just love some feedback from any readers out there. I am starting to understand that certain aspects of myself that didn't seem connected to my alcoholism are actually Very Much connected to my alcoholism. Slowly and steadily, through listening in AA, reading all of you, and working with a wonderful therpist, I've begun to see that some of my behaviors and personality traits ~ ones I always thought were just "me" ~ are actually the result of being raised in a super-alcoholic family/community and my own alcoholism. Now that I look at these particular traits/behaviors with a critical eye, it just makes so much sense... but letting them go is difficult to imagine doing (how do I let go of "me-ness"?!) and heartbreaking (some of these qualities have been so much fun!) . It was painful enough to break up with all that lovely (um, I mean demonic) wine, but now it's clear I have to let go of parts of "myself" that just don't serve me or others anymore. They served alcoholism.
I should also say that I've come to this place without doing the forth step yet. Despite three years sobriety, I just started working the steps with a sponsor. It was just after I starting mulling over this issue in the last few days that I realized the fourth step might be exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, my questions to all of you are: Did this happen to you? If so, what did you have to change or let go of? Isn't this scarey?! Oh god, grateful for anything you can share...
I didn't know you had 3 years. I'm so jealous! But it's so funny that you just wrote this as I am sitting on the sofa having a brand new realisation. I am realising that my life cannot just cannot stay exactly the same but with the alcohol taken out. I thought, I wanted, me to do everything the same just do it sober. But now I see I can't. It's kind of this hens party that's bringing me to this. But other stuff as well. And I'm sad. I think I'll write a post about it. Anyway.. what are your realisations? xxx
ReplyDeleteI know that for me, AA revelaed many characterstics of my personality that had been introduced, removed or somehow affected by my alcoholism. Getting to know myself by practicing the first three steps, eventually led me to be prepared for a written inventory of the "good and the bad about me."
ReplyDeleteWhat I learned through all that is I am not nearly as bad as I had thought, and I am certainly not as good ass I had imagined either. Writing things out removes my personal emotion and connection to a large degree, and I am able to focus more clearly on the particular fact about myself I'd like to improve or remove.
It's a process, and most importantly you've begun. Keep going :-) It's an amazing journey, to discover oneself on a day to day basis with the help of sober people and a good therapist.
Scott F ..man you seem really in touch with things! Going to scroll down and reply to lulu now.
DeleteWow Lulu! We're in the same boat right now! I relate to everything you are saying. Stuff I have been carrying around is being pulled out and revealed to me and it's really crazy. It's both scary and liberating.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the fourth step, I started doing my inventory about a year and a half ago and things from my past, things from childhood started popping up. Emotions and memories which had been forgotten or repressed. I remember crying myself to sleep and I'm not a big cryer at all. It's a very powerful tool. I stopped after doing the inventory because it was so emotional and I thought I had made such a breakthrough so I rested on my laurels. I really should have kept going, but i keep hearing theres no hurry and move at your own pace. But i am so relieved to have a new sponsor and to be working on the steps again.
What you are sharing is so precious....what you are feeling is precisely why I'm not willing to work the program...ok part of why I'm not willing to... The other part is simply about exposing myself to other human beings face to face but WOW. What you just put out there inspires me to keep trudging on and I hope people who understand will shed their light....
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things I wanted to change about myself when I was drinking that it's difficult to differentiate between the traits that are the "real" me, traits that were the "drunk" me, and traits that are the "ideal" me, but here are a couple. One trait that I don't like about the "real" me that I was able to stifle with drinking is an air of superiority I carry, I tend to be very judgmental. When I was drinking, I didn't feel superior to anyone, I felt the exact opposite as a matter of fact.
ReplyDeleteAnother trait, I guess is part of the "ideal" me, I have no idea where it came from, but it's kind of fun and I like it. All of a sudden I've become a "clothes" person, even worse, a shoe and pedicure person. I was never a clothes person before I started drinking (how would I know since I started when I was 14?) and I definitely wasn't when I was drinking, towards the end, I was lucky if combed my hair. When I look in the mirror now, I am proud of the person looking back at me, I can look her in the eye.
The one "drunk" trait I thought I would lose is my "fun" factor but I have found once I got past the first uncomfortableness of not drinking around drinkers, I was able to relax and have as much fun without the fear of what I was going to feel like in the morning.
Sorry for writing an entire blog as a response. lol
I love that you wrote about becoming a clothes person! That's exactly the kind of thing I'm discovering in sobriety. I used to be so proud of the fact I didn't cook, like it made me super-cool to be anti-domestic. Well, duh ~ now I've discovered that I LOOOOVE to cook! I'm in heaven in the kitchen, making super-healthy veggie meals for my family. And although I've always cared about clothes, like you I have become much more interested in my style. I used to think fashion knowledge was shallow, but now I really respect having different philosophies about appearance. Sobriety may be a lot of things, but it certainly isn't dull!
DeleteI just read your post and I find it interesting that God sends you just what you need to hear when you need to hear it.
ReplyDeleteIt took me two years of being a dry drunk to "get with the program" and now I'm finally working the steps. Aw Lawd!!! What I'm seeing as I move through (just began my 4th step journey) is so revealing. I thought I had worked through all this crap years ago...turns out I was wrong. (I guess my 1-2 bottle of wine a night habit should have clued me in but...not so much).
Anyway, good luck with your journey and thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do right now.
Namaste...
One of the first things my sponsor said to me was, "Honey if you think their's anything special about your alcoholism, guess again, we've all been there and done that". She was right. My ego had tricked me into thinking I was unique. It's great that "more is revealed". We really start to understand ourselves, and when we bring up traits that aren't the best we can recognize them, and start to change them. It will come, you will be surprised as you work through the steps that a lot of things will change about you and you don't even need to try. I did the most growing when I got out of the way and just let it happen. One day at a time :-)
ReplyDeleteHey just checking in. How are you? xxx
ReplyDeleteOh goodness! I've done the 4th step twice and am now co leading a step study. We got to step 4 and I decided I didn't want to do it again! I am seeing a new counselor and some more crap is coming to the surface. I know to fill up with Light I have to pull out the dark....but I feel like a giant pimple being squeezed. And how gross is that???
ReplyDeleteI will say however, that the freedom and forgiveness I felt after sharing my 4th step with my sponsor the first time is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. A literal, physical feeling of weight being lifted from my shoulders. And the first thing my sponsor said:
Do you think you are the only one who has done that?
I, too, thought I was the exception....
there IS hope~
Submitting yourself into treatment will do you good and the though of reaping a reward is encouraging enough. Think of this like a sort of personal investing wherein you can get something of this in return in the future.
ReplyDelete