Can someone please tell me if this will get better? Or not, so I can just prepare myself for a life of incredible "i can do anything" moods and then the inevitable meltdown when i can't even summon up the emotional strength to make breakfast?
I'm so used to posting when I'm in a good frame of mind, so this feels a bit vulnerable ~ even wrong, somehow ~ to be reaching out when I'm so not okay. This is how I am with AA, too. I go more often when I feel good, when I can make people laugh, and I avoid it more when I'm falling apart. Not good, I know.
So the deal is this: since getting sober 3 1/2 years ago, I've become much more aware of my incredible mood swings. Sometimes they're quite fun ~ you should see me when I'm up. I'm a walking entertainment center. Seriously ~ wildly interesting, full of creative ideas, running all over the city to galleries, bookstores, cafes... taking pics everywhere with my camera, writing, reading, planning planning planning... and then the crash. Oh god, I just fall apart. Can't go to work. Just hang around and cry.
What's really difficult is that I don't have the luxury of time or money to take a time out (oh how I would love that) and create my version of Get Better Boot Camp. Lots of AA meetings and service, therapy, running, mothering my beautiful boy, being a good partner to my husband, seeing friends. As life would have it, I am the breadwinner for my family, which is no easy feat in new york city - where I seem to be in overdraft the very day after my paycheck hits my account. (And if you don't know about how unhealthy my work situation is, read my "I work for a moron" post!)
It's so clear to me now that my daily 1-2 bottles of wine calmed me down when I was up and brought me up when I was down. Yes, in case you are wondering, I did seek help and received a diagnosis (well, two but who's counting) of bipolar disorder. I decided, however, that I did not want medication. Since I have not been a devoted AA soberista, I felt I should dive more deeply into this first and take what the program and other alcholics had to offer me rather then put medication into my body. I DO NOT want medication! I know that my running helps enormously (though I do have to monitor how many races, especially marathons, i run so I don't ravage my knees) but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools. I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all. I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but.... Oh, I just feel like I did when I first got sober. Begging the universe for help, begging to be relieved of that kind of suffering. And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!
All I want is to be my best self. I don't care what that is. Maybe it has a Ph.D. and continues working in a university. Maybe it means I open a flower shop in brooklyn. Maybe it means I go back to high school teaching. I don't care. I just want to be okay. I just want to be my best self.
Thanks to anyone who reads my quite possibly incoherent ramblings. Hope you are all having a better day than I am!
~ Lulu
Dearest Lulu....
ReplyDeleteAllow me, if you will, to be of service to you...since you have reached out (And brava for THAT!!)
Let me show you, with your own words, what I see:
"I DO NOT want medication!"
"but.... well, I'm not really using any other tools."
"I got a sponsor, finally, but I don't reach out at all."
"I just started a service commitment which is wonderful but...."
"And now, please someone/something relieve me of this!"
All these statements are your violation of the 3rd step. You are being your own higher power. Managing your own life...and obviously not doing too well, can we agree?
You want the solution but cannot or will not see that it is in front of you. Its just not one you'd prefer? God loves you...of this I am CERTAIN...but, my lovely, he will NOT do for you want you must do for youself. When you surrender, you win, right?
So, he has sent you a row boat (medication), sent you a life perserver (sponsor) and send you a helicopter (service position) but you....you dear lady, MUST GET IN WITH YOUR OWN TWO LEGS.
Be well, I will pray for your willingness. Know, Lulu, that you are loved. xoxoxo
Oh love, I don't know what to say except go easy, move smoothly, take care of yourself, be kind to Lulu she is strong and good and wonderful and remember most of all patience is the way of a sober woman. Patience because everything passes. Maybe like Christine says you do need to reach out more and seek help and support. It doesn't have to be medication but I"m sure there's more available to you. I'm sending you love and hugs from Down Under xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you both so so much. I am so grateful for the world of recovery blogs. Christine, you are so right. Guilty on all points, I am. While I was writing (more like venting), I had some awareness of my part in holding myself back but sometimes you just need someone else to point it out. I don't know why it's so hard for me to cross the line into really taking advantage of the help that surrounds me. I'm not blaming where I live, but my god it is so easy in new york to get caught up in the Next Best Thing ~ it's land of lovely, shiny distractions ~ so it's very easy to indulge in all kinds of thing that feel super important and neglect the things that really matter (and are much harder work). Lots to think about... thank you both again. ~ Lulu
ReplyDeleteI find meltdowns very scary. I had one the other day, my suspicion is that since I no longer medicate my feelings, I can't keep my stuff down about the ethical dilemmas in my job. In this case, it may be growth away from the unhealthiness of the situation. Growth, it ain't always pretty.
ReplyDelete