I have been avoiding getting sober on the inside. I have been avoiding the transformation that I know, I just know, it entails. In my three years of not drinking, I’ve learned so much about the depth and range of my alcoholism but it’s only in the last few months that I’ve begun to catch glimpses of just how deeply I can change, my life can change, once I dive deeper into sober living beyond just not drinking.
Now that I’ve been connecting slightly more regularly with a particular group, now that I’ve actually committed to a sponsor, I feel like I’m on the precipice of a change as big as the one I made when I put down my wine. I can see why I’ve avoided this. It’s scary! I know I will discover honesty, which will enable me to identify and articulate some pretty major illusions about my life that were fueled by alcoholism. I still wear alcoholic lenses and I am about to take them off. It’s time. It’s just time to do so. And I know what this will entail. Honesty about my career. Honesty about my marriage. I adore my husband and I have a good career but I now have the perspective and courage to articulate, even if just to myself, all of the issues I glossed over when I built this life in my wine-drenched days. Forever I have always buried my own needs, desires, interests in order to please others (raise your hand if you are also the daughter of an alcoholic!). And my career? Wow. I am evolving so much just via not drinking (“re-covering” my true self?) that I feel like I’m almost a bystander, watching in fascination as new (or just buried?) interests and talents emerge.
My alcoholism functioned in two powerful ways ~ it buried things for me to avoid or it colored things so I could romanticize them. That’s my alcoholic life in a nutshell: Avoidance and Romanticism. My degrees, my career, my friendships, my relationships, my interests. Who am I without my alcoholic lens? What will my life look like? Ah, what a journey 2012 will be…
It will be an awesome journey. The great part about having a sponsor is that they take the 12 steps with you. I was never alone, my sponsor was always there. It's a tough journey, I won't sugar coat it. I spent years stuffing all those skeletons into a closet and then this person was asking me to drag them out, spread them on the floor, and sift through them. I thought, "is she nuts"? But I was just afraid, and once they were all spread out before me, they weren't so scarey. They were all in the past, and they couldn't hurt me again. It was time to roll them into a ball and toss them away. How free you will feel. You will now become the person you were meant to be. I started writing poetry in my second year of sobriety just for kicks, and I'm having it published for the second time. Once the Merlot goggles were off, I could really examine myself. Ugly parts and all. I couldn't just like the good stuff, I had to face the bad, and find a way to love myself just for me. You will do the same. I know there will be days you wish you hadn't started, but then there will also be days where you are totally amazed. I can't wait to see what 2012 holds in store for you!
ReplyDeleteEndless thanks for your honest and reassuring comments. I definitely have moments where I think I'm totally crazy! For many, I'm sure it seems like the problem is just being addicted to alcohol, but I am SO addicted to the self-image I created while being an alcoholic. I am so happy to hear about your writing. Good for you! Will be so nice to see what can blossom in my own sober life. Have a great new years...
ReplyDeleteThis post REALLY resonated with me, especially this: "My alcoholism functioned in two powerful ways ~ it buried things for me to avoid or it colored things so I could romanticize them. That’s my alcoholic life in a nutshell: Avoidance and Romanticism." That's it right there! Thanks for sharing!
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