What could be more appropriate than following my "Blissful Sober Moments", posted ages ago, with "Lousy Sober Moments"? Isn't that totally the nature of recovery? That wondeful rush of "Omg I am really getting my act together!" to "Okay now ~ time to stick my head in the oven!"
Don't worry, I'm not really near the head-in-the-oven scenario (especially since I'm having a great hair day) but I am having one of my I-Am-Overwhelmed days. I read something recently about how it's so challanging for recovering alcoholics to learn normal functioning because we "feel so much". I don't know about you, but this rings totally true for me. I have always been aware of my emotional depths and extremes as being a bit beyond the emotional realm of those around me. This used to make me feel superior, of course. "Look at me ~ I am so alive! I FEEL so much!" while I judged everyone with a calm, even temperment and drama-free life as a total bore. Spiritually dead. Creatively numb. An idiot, I was. Now I wish I could just remove about half of my emotional capactiy and mail it off to someone who needs it.
I just wish I weren't so reactive with any kind of emotional extreme. Overjoyed, furious, blissed-out, devestated. This is exhausting! Why can't I just be happy, perturbed, calm, sad? Perhaps I will always retain my emotional extremes but will get better at managing them? After three years of sobriety via just going to meetings and having NO sponsor and NO step work, I am very much aware that I inhabit the dreaded world of dry-drunks. I see so so so so clearly that alcoholism is a disease of thinking, of perception, of behavior and that it remains (and gets worse) even after putting down the glass (I mean bottle/s) of wine. I see that AA is treatment not just for the craving and addiction to alcohol (so evil, it is) but for the actual disease itself which I believe pre-exists the drink. This disposition is what lead me to drink. It's facinating, the combination of physical dependance and mental... oh, I'll just say it... mental illness. That's what I believe it is.
Okay, so the good news is I did get a sponsor two days ago. This time, I am willing. Whatever she wants me to do/write/say/think, I'm going to follow along. With 28 years of sobriety ~ and a super-wonderful disposition ~ I think I'm safe in suspecting she knows things I could benefit from.
Exhausting, this is. Exhausted, I am. Off to turn down my emotional volume with silly tv and a nap on the couch. Hope you are all having a healthy, calm, sober night...
Congratulations on getting a sponsor! Within two weeks of joining AA I had so many people asking me if I had found a sponsor. I thought, "Gosh, I just got here do I need one right away?" I soon found out the answer was yes. The lady I choose has 22 years of sobriety and there was something about the way she said, "you need to surrender, and take this journey", that I did. Without question, and I am a person who can question anything. But for once I just did it. And to lay all that baggage down, to feel "light" for the first time in my life, to understand why I drank, and to realize that alcohol had very little to do with it. It was like looking into the mirror for the first time and seeing myself. It was a long journey but it cemented the foundation of my sobriety because we worked every Friday night together for about three hours for a year. I kid you not. Sometimes when she left I was exhausted, both physically, and mentally. But it is sooooo worth it. And you feel, but that is so awesome, because when I was drinking I wasn't feeling a thing. I think the serenity will come, once you go through the steps. Please keep us posted on your journey....
ReplyDeleteWOW your comments are so reassuring and inspiring to me! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am intrigued by the "alcohol had very little to do with it" insight. I have definitely begun to suspect that the drinking is really a symptom of this much larger and more far-reaching disease. I totally get the "thinking disease" description and I'm quite sure I've avoided a sponsor for so long because... well, change from the inside is scary. But I'm ready to be on this path because the old way, my way, my disease's way was no way to live. Thanks again...
ReplyDeleteI can really identify with your experiences and those of Drybottom as well.
ReplyDeleteI heard calling a sponsor daily is like a fire drill....you do it over and over so when the big stuff comes we instinctively you call on them, and they lead us through the feelings, problems, or lessons instead of using the old tool of alcohol to avoid or inflame the feelings, problems or lessons.
So far, it's worked for me too. Welcome to the journey friend. Glad we're all here together!
I'm looking forward to following along.