Forever, I have identified myself as the wildly happy, optimistic cheerleader-type in just about every setting. Most people who know me would completely agree. In fact, most of my jobs and career moves have been grounded in this personality trait. Funny how I seemed to be this pollyanna-type woman at the same time I was downing 2 bottles of red wine a night, every night, for over 15 years (and drinking very abusively for ten years prior to that).
There were so many moments when I knew it didn't make sense that I spent my days helping others develop and become improved versions of themselves (not an exaggeration - I've been a high school english teacher, a yoga/pilates teacher, college academic/career counselor, and director of college student success programs), but at night I was self-destructing to the point of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual deterioration. When I think of how bad my drinking was, how sick I was, and how well I hid it from the world... well, it takes my breath away.
So here I am, sober 2 1/2 years, and discovering that though I still do have a very positive spirit, I also have this INCREDIBLE anger coming up. I absolutely rage at the most insignificant things. It actually feels like the anger wells up before anything in particular sets me off - it just rises and attaches itself to whaterver unfortunate situation/person happens to be around. I hate it. I hate this anger. Thinking it may come from an endless amount of resentment (bad word, yes?) at my parents for their untreated alcoholism. And all that I lost during my own life of active alcoholism. Ugh - I SO don't want to be the Chick Who Is Still Angry at Her Parents!
Anyway, it could be that along with a hundred other things. From what I am hearing in meetings, I'm getting the impression it will be much more helpful to just keep showing up in meetings (going on two weeks of regular meeting attendance, as opposed to over two years of very very sporadic showing up), get myself a sponsor (no, I still don't have one) and do the steps (yes, I am dangerously slow). I love when someone points out that it doesn't say "Figure it out" in any of the steps. That is exactly what I want to do! It will get me nowhere, I know. At least not now. Right now it just feels good to admit I have a huge anger problem, it's very unhealthy for my sobriety, it's awful for my family, and yes - it conflicts with my precious self-image as Have-A-Nice-Day girl.
Ah, but still I can't resist to wish anyone reading this a blissful sober day!
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