"Just as drinking pervades our culture, it diffused into my personality. I grew into my abuse, like the occasional tree you can find on a nature walk, its roots spilling over both sides of a boulder like outspread fingers, in spite of the rock's lack of soil, moisture, and stability. To see it only at the height of its maturity is to wonder: Why build on that?" ~ Koren Zailckas, Smashed

This blog is one of my many recovery efforts to uproot my damaged foundation and cultivate the right conditions for blossoming.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Alcoholism: a disease of "overwhelmedness"

Overwhelmed by the simplest things.  Actually, overwhelmed by no particular thing at all.  My alcoholism is a disease of overwhelmedness.  (Among other things).

As I've gotten to know myself in sobriety, as I've paid attention to my moods, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors, it's become glaringly obvious that I can't handle much.  I'm actually okay with that.  If that's who and what I am, it's good to know and I can just make adjustments to my expectations and goals to avoid meltdowns (like, ummm, no doctorate for me, thankyouverymuch). 

But I really want to figure this out.  Is this part of alcoholism ~ a  very weak ability to handle things?  Or did I just not get enough practice at managing frustrations and road-blocks, since I was self-medicating for so long? Either way, I can say that this "overwhelmedness" seems to exist separately from any particular thing.  It's like free-floating anxiety or fear - it just appears one day and lurks around looking for something to attach itself to. Then, it feeds, grows, and has me at my wits end pretty quickly.

I'm grateful, though, for my amazing husband who catches me every time I fall... for the endless amount of meetings around me (god bless new york city - recovery paradise, really) and for the acceptance of this disease and willingness to learn about it so I can ultimately get better.  I don't want to be something extraordinary anymore - I just want to be my best self.  Ah, that would definitely be enough. My best self.
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2 comments:

  1. An Irish Friend of BillAugust 8, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    ye interesting. god point :)
    a Podcast u might like that addresses this overwhelm is:
    Sounds True_ Insights at the Edge
    Richard Miller_ Yoga Nidra—The Sleep Yoga
    at 20 mins in..

    do u have itunes? just look for it in the itunes store.. its free :)

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  2. AnonymousAugust 8, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Wow, yes, "overwhelmedness". Been there, done that, doing it again. I too have wanted to figure it out. I've read over 50 self help books (not including AA literature) over the last 22 years. I still don't have a clue (high IQ is worthless I guess).

    I do know that it has been a journey and not always easy. I've been sober through it all! Its not always hard and not always easy but is always worth it.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog.

    ReplyDelete

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