After 2 1/2 years of semi-solitary sobriety, I went to a meeting Every Day This Week. How is it? Wondeful, exhausing, a relief, painful, calming, heartbreaking. In other words, I am in recovery.
It is wonderful to see that so many people understand how it feels to try sobriety solo. And how it fails spectacularly. Though I have technically never "gone out" since I first embraced sobriety, I honestly feel like I am just starting the process of getting sober. And I love it. The tears, the fatigue, the insecurity and uncertaintly - I love all of it because just like I was on my knees begging for help from some still-undefined-greater-being, I am on my knees again begging for guidance and support in trying to recover from this still-very-present disease. I love that I am honest enough and grounded enought to ask for help when I desperately need it.
Though intellectually I have always understood and accepted the fact that alcoholism is a brain disease, a chemical imbalance, a neurological disorder, it's really just sinking in now. Just because I haven't had a drink... well, that's saved me a lot of further pain and physical decline, but it hasn't even begun to help the disease lessen it's grip on me. I now understand the "thinking disease" phrases. My alcoholism manifests iteslf in so many ways - incredible indecisiveness, unpredictable outbursts of anger, unmanageable frustration, and obsessions with replacements - exercise (I have run 7 half-marathons in sobriety), my career (I am wildly obsessed with additional graduate degrees... though I already have two), and of course my nightly indulgence in chocolate (hey, at least it's not wine or, as it was for a year, a pint of ben and jerrys). I so deeply, so sincerely, so humbly want to be free of all this. I want to get better. I want to be my best self.
Ah well, enough for now. I am just happy today to have begun creating meaningful daily recovery rituals - meetings, meditations, readings (so many wonderful blogs!) and writing. Have a blissful night, all....
Lulu, it sounds like you are entering a new phase of your recovery for sure, and a wonderful one at that! Still, you HAVE been sober this past 2.5 years, don't downplay that as an accomplishment. (By the way, I have a couple of graduate degrees too - part of my addiction to school phase. When I finished my PhD I actually contemplated doing a nursing degree. Insanity!) Now I am finally recovering from my workaholism
ReplyDeleteWow, your post is pretty confronting for me as I am just passing 100 days sober and I have avoided any kind of AA meeting so far. I said it was because i hadn't been sober long enough, but underneath I am scared of apologizing and meeting people I have screwed with from my family.
ReplyDeleteSo you say go to AA? Mmmm. Makes me think...
Dawn, thank you so much. I completely relate to your thinking. There was a moment when I was midway through a Ph.D. application essay for English and thought - wait, maybe I should do something more helpful... like become an exercise physiologist! In the meantime, I was in the process of completing a second masters in Higher Education. CRAAAAAZY and so sick of it!
ReplyDeleteBwendo - I totally get you, too. I went to meetings very rarely, but now that I'm in a different place (very ready to be more of a participant in the recovery community) I can clearly see that I just could not have handled this a moment earlier. I felt guilty for so long - as if it wasn't bad enough being an alcoholic, I wasn't even "good" at recovery. But given other factors in my life (new job, new child, new neighborhood), I just couldn't handle any change beyond learning how NOT to drink. Still, I can see that I'm a bit lucky I didn't fall apart and that many others probably do slip without fully throwing themselves into AA. It's so different for everyone, isn't it? I love that you're blogging right away about it - so great - but try the meetings, too, and see if it works for you at this time. At the very least, you will definitely hear tons of stories you relate to and pretty incredible insights. It's impossible not to learn something in every meeting.
Cool. yep, Its better to be in AA pretending to be an alcoholic, than to be 'out there', pretending you're not :)
ReplyDeleteYes I see many ppl not drink but not really recover as such, in AA or out of it. They do appear to go somewhat mental. I tried it myself and it was a disaster. yuk. Untreated alcoholism sucks wether u r in AA meetings or not.
But yeh as for the meetings they are the pub with no beer for me. I can't get bored with them any more than I can get bored of people tbh..
So yeh, good luck with the meetings. Stick with the winers helps as there are no authorities in AA so people can be up to al sorts, therefore it pays to be a little shrewd. Without being paranoid of course..
Good luck :)