Hubby on martial arts biz trip in south america, little one at grandma's for the weekend, and omg i am in our lovely home ALONE!
I've spent oodles of time alone. I have travelled alone, lived in many apartments alone, and mistakenly thought this all meant I was good at being alone. Oh, sure ~ I was the model of independence. Sitting solo in my various urban kitchenettes with a bottle of wine (okay, two) and journels that never actually got filled with insightful and hilarious words of the next great american novel (surprise, surprise). I can't believe I always thought I was so content - blissed out, even - in my solitary life while drinking myself into oblivion. I never had enough un-buzzed time to recognize the perpetual anxiety, doubt, avoidance, and damage that I was pushing down with each sip.
So here I sit, just barely four years sober, and what a different experience. I can let myself miss my boys and be okay with the feeling of lonliness. Then I can curl up on the couch with some chocolate (come on, I can't give up everything), watch "The Devil Wears Prada" (yes, I can now admit this without shame!), and feel genuinely happy. No over-the-moon-wine-fueled euphoria, no raging dispair ~ just normal, balanced happiness. Who knew how nice an ordinary night at home alone could be?
A sober evening to all... xoxo, lulu
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
43 is the new 14! (Well, when you were sloshed half your life, that is)
As I type this post, I am half-blinded by my glittery pink nail polish which I snagged for 3 dollars in Forever 21. Yes, I am a 43 year old mother and higher education professional with multiple graduate degrees, totally blissing out over my sparkly pink nails.
But the truth is ~ I LOVE my inappropriateness! During my first year or two of sobriety, I was totally captivated by the theories that you emotionally stop growing at the age you were when you first start drinking alcoholically. That is just so incredibly true for me. Yet somehow, like many other alcoholics, I managed to market my perpetual state of arrested development into a charming, quirky character attribute. Even when it's so glaringly unhelpful.
How fun that at 30 I fled a tentured teaching job to become a part-time pilates teacher! How free-spirited that I travelled abroad more than once a year on a whim and a credit card when I barely could pay rent! How hip and cool that just last week I had feathers woven into my hair the day before facilitating an uber-high level technology workshop for university leaders! Yes, people. FEATHERS.
What a snooze, it always seemed, to do "grown up things", like learn about personal finance, investing in a home, retirement funds, credit scores, blah blah blah. What a yawn to do things like, oh I don't know, Open the Mail When It Arrives. So much more fun to just loll through life with a nice pinot noir and a platform to yammer on about my masters in medieval literature, my yoga certifications, my urban botanical photography, and don't forget my super-spectacular collection of sparkly accessories!?
So rather than be very alcoholic in my thinking and actually slam my frivolous, playful (fine - childish) self, it's only now crossing my slow-to-sober-living mind that there is a middle ground. I don't actually have to replace my "Find Your Inner French Girl" books with "Personal Accounting for Dummies". I don't have to swap my photography classes for MS Office certifications. But maybe I can do both. In small chunks.
Alcoholism ravaged my potential to develop a stronger life in professional and financial terms. I know this in my bones. But learning to build that part of my life now doesn't mean I have to toss the rest. Right? I have been SO attached my ENTIRE life to this image of free-spiritedness, but my image was blurry. Free-spirited doesn't have to mean clueless. Directionless. Lost. I can learn how my taxes actually work while also reading complex literature and wearing my new adorable red velvety skinny jeans, right?
Well, sober living is never dull. That's for sure. :-) Have a blissful sober evening, all....
~ Lulu
But the truth is ~ I LOVE my inappropriateness! During my first year or two of sobriety, I was totally captivated by the theories that you emotionally stop growing at the age you were when you first start drinking alcoholically. That is just so incredibly true for me. Yet somehow, like many other alcoholics, I managed to market my perpetual state of arrested development into a charming, quirky character attribute. Even when it's so glaringly unhelpful.
How fun that at 30 I fled a tentured teaching job to become a part-time pilates teacher! How free-spirited that I travelled abroad more than once a year on a whim and a credit card when I barely could pay rent! How hip and cool that just last week I had feathers woven into my hair the day before facilitating an uber-high level technology workshop for university leaders! Yes, people. FEATHERS.
What a snooze, it always seemed, to do "grown up things", like learn about personal finance, investing in a home, retirement funds, credit scores, blah blah blah. What a yawn to do things like, oh I don't know, Open the Mail When It Arrives. So much more fun to just loll through life with a nice pinot noir and a platform to yammer on about my masters in medieval literature, my yoga certifications, my urban botanical photography, and don't forget my super-spectacular collection of sparkly accessories!?
So rather than be very alcoholic in my thinking and actually slam my frivolous, playful (fine - childish) self, it's only now crossing my slow-to-sober-living mind that there is a middle ground. I don't actually have to replace my "Find Your Inner French Girl" books with "Personal Accounting for Dummies". I don't have to swap my photography classes for MS Office certifications. But maybe I can do both. In small chunks.
Alcoholism ravaged my potential to develop a stronger life in professional and financial terms. I know this in my bones. But learning to build that part of my life now doesn't mean I have to toss the rest. Right? I have been SO attached my ENTIRE life to this image of free-spiritedness, but my image was blurry. Free-spirited doesn't have to mean clueless. Directionless. Lost. I can learn how my taxes actually work while also reading complex literature and wearing my new adorable red velvety skinny jeans, right?
Well, sober living is never dull. That's for sure. :-) Have a blissful sober evening, all....
~ Lulu
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